"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion it has taken place."
- George Bernard Shaw
Oh sure we've all been there. Spent what felt like hours telling someone our feelings with painful details, going to great lengths - that extra mile - so to speak, to make sure they understand where we are coming from in this very personal story. We leave the conversation feeling good and confident that this person truly understands our plight. We feel heard.
It is little wonder why then we find ourselves gobsmacked when we hear their off the charts wrong interpretation of that sharing. Somehow they have taken that preverbal left instead of the right we spent hours communicating to them and we are on different pages if not planets! Yep, I feel pretty certain we’ve all been there. But how? What happened? Why the great divide?
I think George Bernard Shaw in his quote above got it right. The illusion of communication taking place is due to many factors but one easy fix is to ask if the person you are talking to has heard what we are trying to say. We are so busy talking that we forget to ask for clarity. Yup ask. Ask them if they will repeat to you what it is that they are hearing. It is in the asking what someone has actually heard that we can hear how and what we have very effectively miscommunicated. It is called mirroring and it is such an effective tool for a person to understand how another person needs to be spoken to in order to hear what they are saying, needing and wanting. These things are much more subtle than the words we have for them.
This is also why that old childhood game of Telephone, where you whisper a message into the ear of the person to the right of you and they to the person to the right of them and so on and so on until the message gets back to the author of the message and it is hilariously different. This game is actually terrific foreshadowing of our adult communication problems. So much more goes into messaging than our words alone. And yet we continue to talk and talk and talk.
Next time you are pouring out your heart or even giving directions, try mirroring. See what you can learn about how you communicate. Is it an illusion or is what you wish to be heard being heard?